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Welcome
to the Private Police Force Sketch
Peter
and Oliver shake hands in greeting.
OLIVER. Hi, Peter. Peter, listen, would you like a
coffee? Filter, espresso, cappuccino; we also decaf on
orders.
PETER. Well, that’s very kind. Er, you have a tea?
OLIVER. Tea? I don’t think so, Peter. I’ll just check
that for you. (Speaking
into radio) Uh, hello, Mabeline, my love?
It’s Oliver here. Listen, my darling, do we carry a
tea machine?
MABELINE. Sorry, dear.
OLIVER. Yes, I thought not. Many thanks, pet. (To
Peter) Sorry, Peter, no tea on the line.
PETER. Oh, don’t worry, don’t worry.
OLIVER. So, how may we help you?
PETER. (Looks around)
Well, this is a police station, isn’t it?
OLIVER. Well, of course, it is, Petey, yes.
PETER. Yes, ’cause I tried to ring you earlier, but
you must have changed your number. All I got was music
playing in my ear. The thing is my car’s been stolen.
OLIVER. Your car’s been stolen?
PETER. Yes.
OLIVER. Oh, Peter, I am sorry to hear that. Tsk. Aw.
And you’d like us to do something about it?
PETER. Well, yes, please.
OLIVER. Ah, okay. (Bringing
out a folder of brochures from behind the desk)
Well, have you had a look at our brochure, Peter? If
you’ll pardon the pun.
PETER. What pun?
OLIVER. There was not one? Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, Peter. (Leaving the desk with
the folder and leading Peter to a sitting area)
If you’d like to come with me, we’ll go through it
together. Come on, take a seat. Now, Peter, we offer
basically three kinds of stolen car recovery service:
that’s the Super, the Lovely, and the Gorgeous. Now,
the Super is our basic non-priority listing of your
car. The Lovely’s higher priority. The Gorgeous is A1
top priority. We put all our team onto it, field and
creative, and that also includes a full waxing and
valeting of your car on recovery.
PETER. I see.
OLIVER. Obviously, Peter, the Gorgeous is a more
expensive service.
PETER. I beg your pardon?
OLIVER. Do you have an account with us?
PETER. Account? No!
OLIVER. Or you’re a shareholder, perhaps.
PETER. What, I’m a citizen, if that’s what you mean.
OLIVER. Citizen. Oh, you mean, you mean client?
PETER. Look, I don’t want to sound stupid, but I, I
get back to England, I find my car’s been stolen—
OLIVER. Peter, you’ve been away? Did you perhaps miss
the privatization of the police force?
PETER. What?
OLIVER. This is now a branch office of Brit Law PLC.
Would you like to fill out a form? (Returns
to his desk)
PETER. Fill out a
form? Fill out a
form? (Follows
OLIVER back to the desk) You mean fill in a form! Has
everyone suddenly turned American?
OLIVER. Now, Peter, I shall need your address, I shall
need your place and date of birth, your car
registration number, and we shall be able to have your
account verified within fourteen days, subject to
status.
PETER. This is insanity! I’m a taxpayer.
OLIVER. Peter, everybody had a chance to buy shares at
the time of issue. It was all supervised by a
reputable merchant bank. Well, by a merchant bank
anyway.
PETER. This is madness. I’m leaving.
OLIVER. No, Peter, not that way. Not that way, Peter.
(Getting up after
Peter)
PETER. What?
OLIVER. That the High Street.
PETER. Yes?
OLIVER. Well, the High Street is owned by UK High
Roads PLC. We’re employed by them to make sure that
only those with valid road way passes use the street.
PETER. But that’s the Queen’s highway, for
goodness sakes! Surely I can use that.
OLIVER. Queen’s? Oh, you have shares in the Royal
Family PLC? That would be quite sufficient.
PETER. Shares in th-? Well, of course, I haven’t.
OLIVER. Well, Peter, then I’m afraid I must ask you to
come with me to the restraining bar. Now, if you’d
just like to put your hands on the detention knob.
PETER. But I haven’t done anything.
OLIVER. Um, not the Gold Member cuffs. For you, I’m
afraid we’ll have to use the bronze, Master Peter.
PETER. No, no. Absolutely not!
OLIVER. Now, Peter, Peter.
PETER. No, no, I refuse!
OLIVER. Peter!
PETER. What? (Oliver
knees him in the groin.) Well, you haven’t
changed that much then. (Oliver
smiles politely.)
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